Sunday, October 26, 2008

dear daddy:

I hate that I miss you so much, and that I think about you all the time. I hate that I haven't been able to get rid of your memory like I want to and that a part of me still wants to see you and get a bear hug from you and sit on your lap and be your little girl again. And I hate you, for what you did to my family, and for being such a selfish and manipulative asshole. I hate you for never saying you were sorry. I hate you for so many reasons, and yet I miss my daddy all the time. I resent the fact that I was allowed to know you, and wish that you would have been removed from my life before I was able to grow up and make memories of you. I wish that that the memories I did have were horrible memories so that it would be easier to hate you now. I wish you would have tried harder to explain yourself and change my mind, instead of letting me run away. I wish you wouldn't have been so forceful and confrontational when you did try to see me, because you just scared me away. Sometimes I wish that you would have died, so I could just mourn the loss and move on, because for some reason it's so much harder this way. I wish I didn't care that you weren't there to dance with me at my wedding, and that you'll never see my children. I wish you hadn't screwed mom up so badly. I'm tired of crying over you.

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