dear sir:

You are an idiot. It took you over a year to fully reveal your idiocy to me, but oh boy- you finally did it! Nice work. Now I can tell my predecessor with full confidence that she was right.


toothpastefordinner.com

love,
lulu

dear rob & lean:

Oh my gosh, thank you! Mr. Lulu's ring is beautiful and it fits perfectly.

We had a difficult time finding a ring for him that we really loved. Everything out there in the big jewelry stores was either too boring or too jewel-encrusted or just not quite right in some other way. The simple lines of this band combined with the exotic wood inlay made it seem just perfect for us. Mr. Lulu wanted something unique and something kind of organic, and we love that it came from real people and not a nameless production line somewhere out of the country. That's probably our favorite part.

In fact, when I ripped open the envelope I found the cute little pouch with the ring, a business card, and a yellow post-it note. I squealed when I saw the post-it. "See- this is what Etsy is all about. Real people! Hand-written notes!" I think Mr. Lulu would have been more confused by the excitement that little yellow paper had caused me if he wouldn't have been so busy drooling over his new ring.

Added bonus: the engraving on the inside. I'm a loving and understanding wifey and I want to make sure that Mr. Lulu never has an chance to forget our anniversary. I had the ring engraved "NOLA ♥ 08.05.08". You're welcome.

Thank you so much Rob & Leighanne, we're thrilled!

love,
lulu

dear abercrombie:

Hey. Just one question- How the hell do you do that?

It's impossible to walk down the block I work on (which features an Abercrombie and Fitch on one corner) without being assaulted by the smell of you. It's like walking through the perfume section at a department store except it always smells exactly the same. I guess it must be the Abercrombie signature scent, but since I haven't set foot inside in a decade or so, I don't know if it's actually something you sell or if it's just part of the whole image thing.

Actually, I would really love to know the mechanics of the whole thing. Sometimes I imagine a giant fan right inside the door that one of the foxy young models employees has to spritz with eau de jailbait every half hour or so. Other times I get a mental image of a giant bubble machine, like you might see mounted to the ceiling of a theater or a concert hall. Only instead of blowing bubbles, this thing just shoots perfume into the air. Constantly.

I have a headache just thinking about it.

love,
lulu

dear sweets:

Hey love! Just wanted to say thank you. You take me to the nicest places!



Honestly though, it was a great adventure. I've never been to a real junkyard before! The only thing that would have made it better is if there were a few rotweilers or pitbulls with ropes tied to their necks lunging at us as we snuck by and then if we had just happened to have a raw steak in our pocket to placate them with...

I think we ended up with some good finds though! And thanks for crawling around in those nasty old cars doing the actual harvesting. If I would have known that was what we were in for I would have dressed a little more appropriately for the occasion.

And I do wish there had been someone around to take a touristy picture of us in front of this pile:



You can take me out anytime!

love,
lulu

dear family:

Hi. Please stop asking me to mediate your lives. Mom, I don't know what Sister meant by her message. But I have an idea: perhaps you should CALL HER AND ASK!

I really don't understand how fully mature and grown people can be so incapable of functional adult interaction. I know that there are yucky things in our past that have made it difficult for all of us to learn to express themselves, and we each have a fair bit of emotional scarring. I get that. And I am by no means suggesting that we sweep everything under the rug and pretend like nothing happened. Please, go ahead and admit that things have happened and for crying out loud have a conversation about it. Preferably one that doesn't involve vomiting or slamming the phone down or fleeing the scene, but even if that's not possible it's better than nothing. Better than this.

love,
lulu

dear earth:

Hello! To show our appreciation for what a great planet and home you are, Mr. Lulu and I have tried to make some simple changes in our life over the last year or so in hopes that you will somehow benefit. One thing that we did recently was install a clothesline.

I am already in the habit of air drying many of our clothes, and we have one of those three-layer accordian-type mesh drying racks. The problem with that is that it only really holds three sweaters. I tend to just stack them up but then they take twice as long to dry.

Initially, I asked Mr. Lulu to install my drying line in the back yard. Then I remembered that wait- we live in Seattle! Needless to day, that was written off as a completely idiotic idea. Sure- it would be great in July and August, but unfortunately, I have to do laundry all year long.

So after a little convincing that a drying line was still a good idea, Mr. Lulu agreed to install it for me inside! In the laundry room! The cement floor and the floor drain will ensure that any drips won't be damaging to anything, and there's very little chance that our freshly laundered clothing will be rained on. Success!

Here's my new line:



The only problem is that I'm such a munchkin I can't reach the lines to hang anything without a stool. That's where this guy is going to come in handy! And so cute! Can't wait. Totally reminds me of the library in elementary school! Only the ones there were boring black or grey, not cute red.

Anyway Earth, we're doing what we can. Baby steps. With any luck, we'll cut down on the number of times we have to run the dryer and that will not only save you a little, but it might just save us a bit too.

love,
lulu

dear mom:

Hi Mama. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I'm so glad we were able to share it with you. I hope you enjoyed brunch. I know it was a little stressful for you to meet the in-laws for the first time, but I think everyone had a nice day.

Of course, thanks to the mild anxiety and unbridled perfectionism that I'm fairly certain that I inherited from you; I was awake at 6 am thinking about all the things that still needed to be done before you arrived at 11. And of course, I got out of bed and started doing those things (as quietly as possible so as not to wake Mr. Lulu and give him yet another reason to find me slightly insane and therefore not marriage material). The lack of sleep was all worth it though, because by the time he got out of bed I woke him up a couple of hours later I had a table that would have made Martha proud, quiche and pecan caramel sticky buns in progress, and just a little bit of crazy left to spare.

Thankfully, Mr. Lulu is as patient as they come, and he always knows what I need to hear. Sometimes it's a gentle reminder to "slow down, breathe" and sometimes it's just a well-timed "love you". With his support and the hostessing finesse that you taught me, I think we were able to pull off a pretty good day.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the bacon and asparagus quiche, and the POG mimosas were delicious! Michelle was right- once you go POG, you'll never go back! And thanks to this book, which I love, and some freakishly lucky timing, we had fresh hot pecan caramel sticky buns just in time for brunch-dessert, and they were wonderful!

I also want to take this opportunity to let you know that I'm so grateful for the relationship that we share. I think it's taken a long time for us to achieve the level of closeness that we finally have, and I know we still have a long way to go, but it's really wonderful to have you in my life.

I know that I was a spoiled brat of a child, and I've spent many years alternating between taking you for granted and lacking the patience to spend any time getting to know you. I think now I'm finally old enough to understand you and appreciate you for who you are. It's also obvious that I'm becoming more and more like you every day, and I have to say- I don't mind that one bit. I'm incredibly lucky and I hope you know how much I love you.

Thanks for everything Mom, you're an amazing woman. Happy Mother's Day!

love,
lulu

dear doug:

Hello you crazy fresco artist! I want to thank you for the lovely piece you gave me last night at the Art Walk. I suspect that you were slightly intoxicated or perhaps under the influence of some fabulous narcotic, but I appreciate the gesture nonetheless. As far as my $90 check, which you promised merely to frame and hang in your studio and not cash- I'm still not sure that I believe you, but no matter. The story and the art are worth every penny.

In case you've forgotten, here's the piece that you wrapped up for me:



You even signed the back, which I'm sure will contribute loads to its value in a few years.



Thanks again Doug- you're a talented man and a generous soul.

love,
lulu

dear ross:

Hello Ross Dress for Less! I'm writing in an effort to come to terms with my love/hate relationship with you and your kind. In principle, I despise stores like yours, but I am drawn to the concept of saving bundles of money on the brands I love. For this reason, I continue to pass through your doors once or twice a year only to grow frustrated once again because I am far too impatient to shop the way you must in order to leave satisfied.

Today I found myself sucked into the bowels of your mammoth interior, hoping to fill my void with still more shoes that I don't need. And for once- success! A lovely pair of black patent leather sling back peep toe pumps will be gracing the shelves of my closet tonight. Smuggled home, of course, in my voluminous tote designed to hide such purchases from Mr. Lulu until they're sufficiently aged enough to say "oh these things? I've had them for months."



So thanks Ross, I guess you're not so bad after all.

love,
lulu

**update: don't attempt to sneak things into your home unless you're well versed in the practice! the night i bought these shoes i decided to wear them home from work and smuggle my old shoes in the tote. unfortunately, we went straight to a friend's dinner party where i proceeded to ingest my body weight in red wine. by the time we were ready to go, i had my shiny new shoes in my hand and was insisting to mr. lulu that i needed to find my shoes before we left. of course i'm convinced that i wasn't really out of my mind intoxicated- i was simply looking for my OTHER shoes- the ones i left that morning wearing.**